You Can Change If You Want To

I've been thinking about writing some version of this for a while now. I wanted to share more about who I am and what my story is, and hopefully you'll find some ways to relate. Maybe something I share will be helpful to your own journey.

I'm still figuring this all out, honestly. And that's exactly why I want to share my story, so you can understand more about the journey that brought me to where I am today.

But here's what I know: I really can change my life. I'll probably be figuring things out for the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that. What I've discovered is that I have so much more control over my life than I ever thought I did, even just a few years ago.

Who I Was

I was one of those eldest daughters. From a very young age I was independent, responsible, and driven, and that just continued. I pushed toward having a career, living on my own, doing it all myself. I became a nurse and found myself incredibly driven in that world. If there was a promotion, a new project, another opportunity, I always felt like I had to go for it. If I could do what I was doing now, of course I could do that too.

By the time I was thirty I had my first director-level position at a home health agency. I went back to school and got my bachelor's degree. I got certifications. And then pretty much every two to four years I pushed for the next thing: regional roles, multistate roles, clinical and operational leadership, vice president titles, more and more responsibility.

There was a lot of great things in that. I learned how much I was really capable of. I learned how to negotiate for myself, how to ask for more money, how to hold my own in rooms I never expected to be in. I also learned that everybody, every founder, every CEO, every person at the top, is just figuring it out too. Nobody had it all together. That was a gift to realize.

I was responsible for things I never expected, learning things I never anticipated, and succeeding at all of it.

But underneath all of that was something else. Constant stress. Overworking. Feeling like everything and everyone was my responsibility. Not much of a life outside of work. A kind of internal rigidity that I didn't even have words for at the time, this relentless pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way, never be late, never mess up, always be on.

The Moment I Knew Something Had to Change

In 2023, I burned out. At the time it felt like it hit me suddenly, full stop, this has to happen now. Looking back I know it had been building for years, that this was kind of inevitable from the path I was on. But in that moment, I just didn't have the motivation anymore. I didn't care about what I was doing. And I had this realization that it wasn't about finding another job or a different boss or a better title. I had to quit working entirely.

So that's what I did.

I also want to say something about that period of time that I don't think gets talked about enough. I took about four and a half months off. And looking back, I wish it had been longer. I really could have used more time. Because here's the misconception I hear from people all the time: that if you take a few months off, you should be fixed. You should come back refreshed and ready and back to normal.

That is just not true. Be gentle with yourself if that's where you are. These things are long processes.

What Was Also Happening

What I didn't fully understand at the time was that perimenopause was playing a significant role in everything I was experiencing. For me it came earlier than most, which brought its own fear and its own loneliness, a sense of navigating something that felt separate from what the people around me were going through. My cancer diagnosis and chemotherapy at thirty-six likely played a role in that. I wrote more about that chapter separately if you want the full story check out my last blog Ten Years.

Learning to navigate perimenopause alongside burnout and midlife, all at the same time, was a lot. I've never been someone who likes having health problems. I've always felt personally responsible for my health, and when my body doesn't cooperate it feels jarring, like a betrayal almost. I'm still working through that.

I'll write much more about the perimenopause/menopause journey in depth in a future post, there's so much to share there. But for now I'll just say it was a significant thread in everything that was unraveling and everything that was being rebuilt.

Mental health was not even a phrase I used to refer to myself until probably 2024. That tells you something about where I was and how far I've come.

What I Did About It

I went back to work, but differently. I took a role with far less responsibility, no direct reports, and I did it working for myself. That was my first real step. I didn't want to be employed by anyone anymore. I wanted control over my work, my schedule, my life. So I started my LLC and began building something of my own.

And I started searching. How could I feel better? What could I do to work on myself, address the stress, look honestly at the relationship patterns I kept repeating, the walls I kept up, the vulnerability I kept avoiding?

One thing that searching led me to was therapeutic plant medicine retreats, intentional, facilitated, deeply supported experiences done with coaching and with purpose. Not for recreation. For healing. For inner work. Those experiences cracked something open in me. Being in a circle with other people, being vulnerable, witnessing their vulnerability. Having focused time where the only thing that mattered was feeling and healing and sharing. I learned so much from the coaches and facilitators I worked with over those years, daily practices, new ways of thinking, new ways of caring for myself.

From there I found sound healing and got certified. I found ecstatic dance. I found somatic breathwork and trained to become a facilitator. I found the Roxiva light therapy and the Zenthesia vibroacoustic sound bed. Each thing led to the next. And the people I met along the way, and what I've gotten to share with others, that has been its own kind of gift I didn't expect.

Where I Am Now

These days I split my time between part-time healthcare consulting in home health and hospice, and my wellness practice, Mindful Works Wellness, where I work with people one on one and in groups using all of the modalities I've discovered and believe in.

I have no idea exactly where things are going. And I've made peace with that.

What I have found along the way is this: all of the rigidity, all of the rules, all of the things I had decided had to be a certain way, they're just that. Things we thought up and followed. They don't actually mean as much as I believed they did. Whether I make a lot of money or a little. Where I live. What I'm wearing. One is not better than the other. We are all just people doing our best in a life that none of us have lived before, in a body we're still figuring out, with no idea what's ahead.

I've let go of so much. So much rigidity. So much judgment, still working on that one. So much worry about whether I'm doing the right thing or what people think of me or whether I should be doing something differently.

And it feels good. It feels really good.

I am so much more grounded. So much more calm. So much more present in my own life. There is a space and flexibility and looseness in my life now that I didn't know was possible. And more and more regularly I have these moments, not just a passing thought of "what a nice day," but a whole body sensation of just goodness. Of really feeling good in my life. It's something I never had anything like before. And now it happens regularly. I still struggle to find the right words for it, but I know it's real, and I know it's new, and I know it means I'm on the right track.

What a blessing, genuinely, that midlife has turned out to be.

Why I'm Sharing This

I want people to know that they can change. Things can be different. I deeply believe there is so much potential for things to be different for all of us, and that so much of it comes down to our own perspectives and our own thoughts, and our willingness to step away from the strict narratives that dominate our day to day lives and our culture.

If any part of this resonated with you, I'm glad you found it. And I hope you'll stick around. There's a lot more I want to share.

— Katie